


It's Not Cheating If You Say It Never Happened

by McG



Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-13
Updated: 2015-10-13
Packaged: 2018-04-26 04:58:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4991134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/McG/pseuds/McG
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Richard's a flirty drunk.  A hotel booking mistake leads to the boys having to share a bed. Not always an advisable combination.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Not Cheating If You Say It Never Happened

**Author's Note:**

> A little suspension of disbelief is needed to get them into this scenario, therefore not my strongest plot ever. If you can call it plot.
> 
> Contains slight adultery, and discussion of sexual acts.

When Richard Hammond gets drunk, he gets very, very flirtatious. This is accepted, and indeed indulged by James and Jeremy, because all three know it's just a bit of fun, it has no base in reality, and there's nothing wrong with friendly banter between men... even when the banter is based entirely on innuendo, and less-than-subtle sexual remarks.

James likes women of course. He also likes cars. Therefore, he's as straight as can be. But he has no intention of getting married soon. The idea scares him somewhat, although he does like spending time with his girlfriend, for dates to the cinema or restaurants or just nice days out. And of course he likes to have sex. But he doesn't crave the excruciating intimacy of a serious relationship. He doesn't understand how it must be to share every single moment of his personal life with another person; someone else to consider, someone else's habits, and having to accommodate someone else's thoughts into every decision.

So flirting with Richard Hammond is an easy and enjoyable way to pass the time. It's safe because it doesn't mean anything, and it's a way to be a little outside of himself, a freedom from his usual worries.

Jeremy is a repressed English man. A total homophobic. And yet, for him, flirting with Richard Hammond is still an enjoyable way to pass an evening in the pub. Or a night in a crap hotel, or a few hours in a car... Unlike James, he is happy in his relationship with his wife. Not that James in unhappy _per se_ , simply, Jeremy is more comfortable sharing an entire life. He is not stupid, and would never do anything to jeopardise his marriage, but he does sometimes miss the early stages of attraction -simply due to the tedium of routine. So flirting with Richard allows him to act silly and carefree, but without any risk to his relationship. It also lets him express the deep love and affection he has for his friend, without ever having to turn horribly homosexualist and say so.

Richard, just likes attention. Any and all. And he does like to get a bit tipsy, and he does like to hug, and to play around. If any one were to ask him about the flirtation, he would explain that it was just a nice way of passing the time, and allowed a certain level of intimacy. Like flirting with call centre workers, because it's nice to spread a bit of happiness. Of course, he's glad no one has ever asked him about it, because he doubts he'd be able to live down the admission of flirting with call centre workers.

But the thing with having flirtation as a drunken staple, is that it means that your judgment is bad, your reactions are slow, and that filter between your brain, and what you say and do, is totally nonexistent. This is why it is a good idea to drink around people you known and trust, because they'll look after you, keep you safe.

It is also why it is a bad idea to drink around those you know and trust.

 

 

Lying in bed together, drunk, and having been carrying on drunk and touchy-feely all evening was not necessarily a good idea. They had been highly amused by the muck up in hotel booking, and what with all the camping and caravaning they seemed to have been doing lately, it wasn't as if they were unused to sleeping in close proximity. But really, 3 grown men in one double bed was hilarious. Richard was bullied into the middle, on account of his being the smallest. Jeremy on one side, where the bed was pushed up against a wall, was fast asleep within minutes. But Richard and James stayed awake longer.

"I haven't got room, I have to lie on my side" Richard complained, not entirely sincerely as he snuggled up to a shirtless James, using his shoulder as a pillow.

James, in turn was an equally good sport, arms going round Richard, as they continued to laugh and joke about what they would and wouldn't be willing to do sexually.

"Arse-stuff?" Richard asked.

"Nope... You?"

"Depends who, and why..."

A pause. Then James's turn,

"You kiss men though, yes?"

Richard laughed, "Only you, James."

"Weirdest place you've ever had sex?" James asks a question again.

"On the floor,"

"That's not weird, Richard"

"It is. the bed was squeaking, and we were in my parents' house." Richard trailed a hand along James's collar bone and snuggled closer into his side. "Ever shagged a man, James?"

"Why do you lot all think I'm a gay?" James sounded strangely calm, the question was genuine.

"I wouldn't mind if you were..." Richard looked him right in the eye, and smiled slightly.

"Don't be silly Rich, if I was gay, I'd fancy men, and really, I just fancy you,"

And so they continued in this vein. Some truths, some obvious lies, and more explicit as they went on.

 

It slowly entered Richard's brain after a short while that he wasn't sure if James was still joking. Or even if he himself was. There seemed to be a certain edge of seriousness they hadn't had before.

Still, he ignored the small voice, and carried on being drunk and silly. Pressing small kisses along James's collar bone.

"You need to stop doing that" James warned in a low voice.

Richard laughed. "You love it!"

There was a small pause.

"That's was my point"

Richard lifted his head to meet James's eye and giggled.

"What'll you do if I don't stop then?"

"Make you. Look, Richard, I may be drunk and.. well.. The point is, this won't seem like such a good idea in the morning, there's a certain point you cross when things can't be laughed off, and seeing as you're married, and we're both _straight_ I just think we need to stop it now."

Richard grinned wickedly. "Am I turning you on James? Is that the problem?" He laughed quietly and trailed kisses up James's neck and bit gently on his ear lobe. His hand stroking teasingly across James's stomach.

Suddenly annoyed, James grabbed Richard's hand and pressed it quickly, firmly, to his erection, and then removed it again just as quickly "Yes, alright. Now stop being stupid and go to sleep."

Richard was shocked for a moment. And then broke out laughing again.

"James! I never knew you cared!" He was incapable of taking it seriously, and crawled half over James and started planting loud kisses onto his face.

"This is wrong, this is so wrong," He sniggered occasionally.

James said nothing, simply kept hold of Richard by the shoulders, trying to maintain some semblance of control.

Against all of his better judgment, James sighed in frustration, and then grabbed Richard's head firmly, kissing him deeply. Richard went still in surprise, a small part of his brain panicking at the reality of what was happening.

Eventually, the kiss stopped, and there was a long pause, the two remained where they were, just staring at each other.

A snorting snore from Jeremy broke the silence, and the other two burst out laughing at the sheer absurdity of the situation. Richard lay his head back down on James's chest and sighed, cuddling into the other man. James spoke first,

"Sorry. I just felt like it. Drunk, and.. well, you know".

"I know," Richard replied "You don't think it counts as cheating do you? I mean, we've definitely crossed line"

"We'll just pretend it never happened." James said, an arm protectively wrapped around Richard. "We'll go to sleep now, in the morning it'll all seem like a surreal dream"

"Apart from the part where we wake up wrapped around each other?"

"Apart from that."

And before long, they were asleep, Richard still using James as a pillow, and James still with an arm wrapped around Richard, fingers curled in his hair.

 

They never did mention it again, but next time they were out drinking, James was a little more careful to keep Richard at arms length.  



End file.
